In which we explain our unintentional three week hiatus, account for the holes in our socks, nearly perish in a vicious attack by a local arsonist, explain our feelings on the film “Up” (using the powers of PLAGIARISM!), and give Martin Luther King, Jr an (unfitting) tribute.

This week, Cashmere Thoughts successfully fends off an imminent alien invasion whilst defending the honor of the most hallowed discount American pilsener in all the land. Meanwhile, the time has come to hold Modern Journalism to account, and our Panel of Distinguished Experts is just the team for that weighty task. Boswell has the scoop on that shiver you’ve been feeling in your bones, so DO NOT PANIC! Simply click to play...

There will be no apostrophes in the show description this week, because they make everything look all janky. Rather, we will simply tell you that this episode contains harrowing tales of Battletoads and cocaine, idle threats upon the life and well-being of Senator Joe Lieberman, the Holy Trinity of Oats, Peas, and Beans, partners in folk-rock crime Nat Cassidy and Brian Pluta, as well as the musical stylings of The Radio Grifters, straight out of Austin, TX (via South Korea). Plus, Boswell reads us The Single Greatest Poem of All-Time. All of this magic in one place, you ask? Yes, my friends, it’s all right here.

IT’S THE EPISODE SAM’S UPSTAIRS NEIGHBORS DON’T WANT YOU TO HEAR–because they, as you will hear, totally SUCK. However, what does NOT suck is our interview with Rose Surnow and Guerrin Gardner, as well as Part 2 of last week’s Vital Topics segment, in which we ponder the most dramatic way for Alan Smith to end his life (don’t worry, it’s hilarious-hopefully). The Lu has placed the Hipsters of America on notice in this week’s Search 4 Delicious, and the lovely sounds of the Kelsey Jillette Group provide our melodic glue.

This week, Cashmere Thoughts says God bless the child that remains blissfully unaware of dolphin cards and the user actions table. Daniel John Kelley joins us to offer some insights on the practical uses for origami (can it do your taxes?), and Philadelphia Correspondent Aaron Hollander would like to know if we are actually picking up what he’s putting down. Speaking of the Philadelphia Report, we’ve got three of them this week, as Ben Camp reveals some reassuring facts about the Youth of America (they still watch Full House!), and Neal Dandade proves that he can make a rhyme out of anything, including the start-up screen of his girlfriend’s DVD player. Vital Topics asks the central question on everyone’s mind at this time of year: do zombies sleep, and what does this mean about Cleopatra and her snake hat? Boswell has fixed his tape recorder, and musical guest Nicole Hale has brought her accordion, so consider yourself warned: Exit 5 is bringing the boomjamz directly to your face.

This week, a curious aquarium patron demands answers regarding the likelihood of leaping anemones, and a Massachusetts lady with a very special talent would like to know if you’ve ever visited the Roxy Delicatessen? The Lu has either re-connected with a long-lost companion or irrevocably surrendered her credit card information, and Vital Topics covers buoys, boys, buffalo, and whiskey bacon ice cream. The music of Maddy Wyatt and the ruminations of G.T. Boswell will keep you warm as the brisk autumn breeze of Exit 4 blows all up in your ears.